


A Damn Jolly Good Idea

by TheHeartOfTheStar



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: 1985, Brazil, Crystal is so done with Roger's bs, Cute, Dork Lovers Server Challenge (Queen Band), Dorks in Love, Fluff, M/M, Rock in Rio, TayTay, The Works Tour, convertibles, roadtrip gone wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 10:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19886149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHeartOfTheStar/pseuds/TheHeartOfTheStar
Summary: You see, the thing with convertibles is that they are fun until they aren’t. But how could Crystal be surprised, really. As much as Roger claimed to love cars, it was sure as hell cars didn’t love him back, and history had proved that over and over again.Now, in the middle of nowhere, they had no way of communicating with the team, they had no car, and he was so thirsty his head was starting to pound.And come fucking on, did this have to happen in bloody Brazil of all places?





	A Damn Jolly Good Idea

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ask_catnip](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ask_catnip/gifts).



> This story was inspired by Crystal's tales of his time with Queen, that you can read here:  
> http://www.queenpedia.com/index.php?title=Crystal_Taylor
> 
> "I have an equally pathetic driving story when we were in Rio, this time it was the two of us, a convertible and one hell of a lot of rain."
> 
> This is for Catnip, who introduced me to the beauty within TayTay. Also, I want to thank Annieapple24 for betaing this and generally being awesome <3 (go give them both all the love)
> 
> Title take from Seaside Rendezvous

Tours were difficult. They wore you down even when everything was going more or less according to plan. Of course, Roger adored tours. He always had lots and lots of fun during them, and never seemed to get that Crystal and he had vastly different experiences regarding tours.

Because it was his job to make sure everything was running smoothly. So more often than not, Crystal -just like everyone else but Queen itself-, was running around putting out fires.

And the thing was, Crystal didn’t _want_ to be annoyed at Roger. They had long been friends, and they had seen each other at their worst. They both knew just how _nasty_ they could get, and they still managed to pull through.

But tours were hard, everyone getting a bit too much on everyone’s nerves. It was normal. Unfortunately, there were better days than others. And these had been a couple of bad days for Crystal. And it was doubly complicated when you had to be around your partner 24/7. Sure, Crystal loved his job, and he loved Roger, but sometimes he needed time off.

He wasn’t sure why, but Crystal wasn’t liking South America very much this time around. The weather was awful. It was too hot, and it was so humid every time you breathed it felt like drowning. And _their majesties_ were being more demanding than ever.

To ice the cake, he and Roger hadn’t been able to have any kind of _fun_ . And God help him, if Crystal didn’t get some release soon he might go on a murdering rampage. Their first night in Rio, he had brought Roger to his room. _That_ had been a disaster.

When the phone rang the first time, they had both groaned. _Let it_ , Roger had said biting his neck. The second time, Roger had positively growled at the sound. But not five minutes later, just as the drummer was about to put his mouth to good use, the phone had rung _again_.

By now, Crystal couldn’t really ignore it. It was obviously work-related. So he got up, ignoring the huffing blond at his feet, and tried to solve whatever crisis had arisen now. Roger had gotten bored and started tapping a fast rhythm with some spare drumsticks Crystal had had lying around. 

_Stop_ . He mouthed at the drummer while trying to pay attention at the other end of the receiver. Roger, being the brat that he was, ignored him. Crystal threw a plastic glass at him. _Do you mind? I’m on the phone!_ And just like that, Roger had picked up his shoes and slammed the door. _Fucking great._

So after that, they hadn’t really had time to do anything fun. Crystal was annoyed at Roger’s antics and Roger was annoyed at Crystal in general. Just yesterday, what had started as playful teasing with the boys, had quickly turned into an hour-long argument on whether or not you were naked if you were only wearing socks. The argument had ended with Roger throwing a lamp at his head.

So yeah, they weren’t at their best.

Two days after the first concert in Brazil, Roger had gotten the idea in his head to go to some nearby town someone had mentioned to him in passing the day before. The drummer was whiny and Crystal desperately needed a break. Still, he was very much aware he had a job, and he couldn’t simply diva his way out of his responsibilities.

So he got Roger and himself to a car rental nearby and managed to surpass the language barrier and got them a car. Of course, just as they were climbing into it, Roger’s eyes had shined dangerously. Not five minutes later, they were climbing into a convertible that had obviously seen better days.

Roger turned on the radio and swatted Crystal’s hand when he tried to change the song.

“I'm driving! I get to choose what we listen to!”

“Why? Usually I'm the one driving you around and I never get to choose” replied Crystal, trying to wrestle Roger into letting him change the song.

“I let you chose last week!” said Roger. And Crystal was flabbergasted at the drummer’s nerve.

“You changed it mid-song because you didn't like the riff!” shrieked Crystal.

“Well, it was too slow!” said Roger, his go-to excuse. And if Crystal had to listen to that _once_ again.

“It was Aretha Franklin!” They hadn’t been driving for 10 minutes and they were already fighting. This was going to be a very long day.

Still, Roger was obviously very excited, so Crystal tried to put on a smile. Map in hand, he told himself they would be back before two.

* * *

The first hour and a half had been great, music blasting and the sun shining. Roger was in a great mood, for a change. They drove fast out of the city and suddenly there was just exotic jungle along the driveway, kilometers, and kilometers of fantastic tropical landscape.

Roger had snatched the map out of Crystal hands the first time they had stopped for gas and he was now in charge of directions as, apparently, years and years of driving his lordship around weren’t expertise enough to deem him an appropriate map-holder.

But you see, the thing with convertibles is that they were fun until they weren’t.

“Roger, c’mon” groaned Crystal for the tenth time.

“No! We never get any sun in England! I’m soaking it up!” And he was right, of course. The sun never shone like this in England, because back home there were always clouds covering the sky. You could always rely on good Ol’ England to rain on you. And right now, that sounded _heavenly._

“And my skin is melting off my face, just pull it up!” complained Crystal. The sun was scorching, but Roger didn’t budge. Crystal turned to glare at the drummer, and noticed the heavy drops of sweat on his face.

Suddenly, the silence his boyfriend was holding sounded very suspicious. Roger was looking straight ahead, and even when Crystal couldn’t see his eyes, he could just picture the awkward look he was wearing by the pinch of his mouth. 

Crystal took off his glasses and glared harder at Roger’s profile. “What’s really going on?”

Roger snorted and forced out a dry laugh, glancing at Crystal for a second.

“Uhm, it might be broken”

“ _What_?!”

“I didn’t do it! I was just toying with the button and it came off!” the drummer replied quickly. And _of course_ , it fucking figures that the car Roger chose to get out of the city among a sea of convertibles would be the one malfunctioning. Because as much as Roger claimed to love cars, it was sure as hell cars didn’t love him back.

“Do you think I care about who broke the stupid button? We’re roasting in here and you knew the hood was broken and you _still_ decided this was a good plan!” cried Crystal. And come _fucking_ on, did this have to happen in bloody Brazil of all places?

The drummer glanced at him again, and he hadn’t removed his sunglasses but Crystal could just _see_ the childish glee in his eyes by the quirk of his nose. 

“Relax, Crystal! We’re getting to know the real Brazil!” laughed Roger pulling out the map and trying to spread it while driving at 70 mph. Crystal huffed but laughed too. “Once we get there, you’ll be on your knees thanking me”

“I could be on my knees for you right now if we had stayed at the hotel”

“I can pull over right this second” purred Roger trying to touch his partner’s dick without swaying too much and holding the wheel and the map with the same hand.

“Are you sure we’re going in the right direction?” Growled Crystal, swatting the drummer’s hand away. He just laughed.

“What are you implying? That I can’t read a map?” and he sounded so offended at that Crystal let out a bark of laughter.

“It wouldn’t be the first time, just saying” he snorted.

“A man gets lost _once_ in Japan, now he can never hear the end of it!” he whacked Crystal’s thigh as the other one cracked in laughter.

“This place we’re going better be fucking paradise, Roger”

* * *

They were lost.

Complete and utterly lost. Just as Crystal had predicted, if anyone cared to ask.

“Pffft, no, we’re not” huffed Roger with a chuckle. They had pulled up at a gas station that didn’t have gas but where they could at least have some shadow. The tiny water bottle they had brought with them had been empty for a long time now, and they were both desperately thirsty.

His lordship was now turning the map around, upside down, squinting at the road in both directions. He rolled his eyes.

“Really? Care to tell me where we are?” replied Crystal lighting up a cigarette and leaning against the car. They had been driving for almost four hours now, and they would be needing gas sooner rather than later.

Roger looked around and then down at the map again.

“Brazil?” offered the drummer looking up again.

Crystal was annoyed, but couldn’t help but laugh at that. Roger laughed too, and snatched his fag. Crystal tried to elbow him and they had a bit of a scuffle. The drummer managed to kick his shin, pull his hair _and_ get the cigarette at the same time, so Crystal was left feeling exasperatedly impressed by his flexible wrists and dirty plays.

“Don’t worry. All roads get to Rome eventually” The drummer said leaning against his side. Crystal lifted up his arm to wrap around his boyfriend’s neck and he felt Roger snuggle in while squinting at the map again. God, they were so thirsty. And this place was deserted. They hadn’t crossed a single shop in at least two hours. “We’ll get there sooner or later.”

“Or we’ll get to Venezuela” murmured Crystal as he watched the cigarette hanging loosely between Roger’s lips. The good thing about the tropics is that colors seemed to saturate in intensity, and Roger’s usually pale lips were a downright sinful pink. (If the blush that tinted his cheeks due to heat heightened that effect, there was no one here to tell.)

“Wouldn’t that be _awesome_ though?” the drummer perked up at the name, offering Crystal a mischievous grin.

“Not in this heat, it wouldn’t.” He half-glared at the burst of laughter Roger let out. He shook out the map and tapped it knowingly yelling out a triumphant _Ah-ha!_.

“Crystal, you’re being such bore today! Man up!” he yelled happily as he climbed into the car again. _So much for being back before two_.

He spared a moment to think about the AC in his hotel room and how deliciously cool the pool probably was. Still, Roger was grinning manically and Crystal felt himself relax.

Against all hope, he couldn’t help but enjoy this impromptu adventure.

* * *

They had decided to turn around eventually. Roger didn’t want to, of course, because he was a sore loser. (Not as sore as Brian, but it was a close call) Still, even the drummer had to admit that after driving for four hours with nothing on sight but tropical forest and even more tropical forests, it was just foolish to go on.

Crystal didn’t want to point out that they didn’t know how much gas they had left since Roger had chosen _this_ car instead of the one they had been guaranteed would last 7 hours with a single fill. The drummer had started to look slightly worried, so at Crystal could at least hope Roger wasn’t as unaware of their predicaments as he was trying so hard to pretend.

At this point, their skin was red and uncomfortable after so long under the sun. They had stopped for a while under the shadow of some trees along the road, to wait out the worst of the sun. Crystal had nodded off in the back seat, trying to forget how thirsty he was. Roger had played the guitar for a while, humming random melodies.

“That’s nice” muttered Crystal at some half-made song.

“Thanks” replied Roger from the front seat, still playing lightly some chords. “It’s Freddie’s” he laughed. Crystal snorted. Roger kept playing, and Crystal slept some more until he felt a stinging slap in his thigh.

“What a gentleman” Crystal said rolling his eyes at his lordship’s antics. He accepted the guitar offered and placed it inside its case, while Roger started the engine. Just as he was about to close the lid, something caught his attention. This wasn’t just a random tour guitar, a replacement no one would miss. Crystal snorted.

“Is this-?” The thought of Brian going frantic at suddenly having lost one of his acoustic spares was hilarious to Crystal. When he looked at Roger, he saw the mischievous glint in his eyes. _Petty tour revenge_.

Placing the case safely in the back seat, Crystal walked over to the driver’s seat and leaned in. Roger looked up and smirked. Taking his cue, he cradled the back of the drummer’s head and leaned in. Roger tilted his head up and let out a small sigh. Just when their lips were about to touch, Crystal stopped. He grabbed Roger’s hair and pulled. Not too hard, just hard enough to show him who was in charge.

“It’s my turn to drive” he whispered. It was amazing how Roger would just melt with only a few touches. The drummer’s lids had become heavy just so, and he was almost panting. Roger tried to nod against his hold. Crystal cocked an eyebrow, leaning back slightly to look at his partner’s face. “Going under with so little? My, my- I really have been neglecting you, haven’t I?” he chuckled. The drummer scowled a bit at that and cleared his throat, but still didn’t say anything as he changed seats. Crystal counted that as a small victory. Oh, what he would do once they got back to his room.

Unexpectedly, the way back was a lot more bearable than the first part of their trip. The sun was partially hidden behind some dark clouds that had formed out of nowhere, and thankfully, that meant their skin wasn’t melting off their bones.

The air was still as humid, but at least it wasn’t as unbearably hot as before. Despite his best efforts, Crystal felt himself quite enjoying this.

And just like that, out of nowhere and with only the bare minimum banging, the engine died.

* * *

They had opened the hood, alright. But that was as far as they could go. A cloud of grey smoke came out as soon as they lifted the hood and they couldn’t see a thing. 

They stared at the car in horrified silence. Crystal turned around and punched Roger in the arm.

“Ouch! What was that for?” cried Roger indignantly. Crystal just pointed at the car. “Excuse me? It was you behind the wheel! It had been fine while I was driving!”

“Oh, of course, now I don’t know how to drive! Is that it?” replied Crystal.

Roger opened his mouth to reply but closed it again, glaring. He crossed his arms and turned the other way, looking at the road.

“The silent treatment, really? Very mature, Roger” muttered Crystal lighting a fag. The other scoffed.

“You obviously want to fight, and I don’t, so” the drummer shrugged and turned a nasty eye. Crystal rolled his eyes.

Looking up, he could see a storm rapidly coming. The wind was starting to blow and they were right in the middle of nowhere, with no one in sight to ask for help. Or _directions_ , for that matter.

He sat at the edge of the road, a few meters away from the car. This day had been the longest. They had no way of communicating with the team, they had no car, and he was so thirsty he head was starting to pound. Maybe lighting that cigarette had been a bad idea. He rubbed his face with both hands and tried to think of what to do.

Crystal heard a small rustling by his side and then felt weight lean on him. Roger’s pointy chin was on his shoulder and he nuzzled the side of his head with his nose.

“I’m sorry” muttered Roger in a low voice. Crystal looked up at him and smiled tiredly. They looked at each other for a while. Roger was so pretty, in Crystal’s totally unbiased opinion. Even after all these years, he was still stunning. He leaned in and the drummer let him, kissing lazily for what felt like ages.

When they broke apart, even when they were no closer to finding a way out of this mess, Crystal felt much more relaxed. Roger’s face broke into a grin. He got up and walked around a few paces, taking in the car, the empty road, and Crystal.

“Well, at least it can’t get any-“

It started pouring.

“Oh, were you going to say _worse_?” replied Crystal feeling his clothes getting wet by the second.

He only got soaked silence in return.

“At least we won’t be thirsty anymore”

Crystal could have _murdered_ Roger right then.

* * *

The thing with the tropics is that when it rains it pours, and it doesn’t stop. It just keeps on going forever, only increasing in intensity.

“Crystal, relax. We’ll just have to ask for a lift” repeated Roger once again, shivering under the rain and squinting at the road. Their visibility was severely limited due to the curtain of rain, but Roger was standing right in the middle of the road.

“To whom? We’re in the middle of fucking nowhere! The sun is setting! It’s pouring! And you don’t know a single word in Portuguese unless you managed to learn it without me knowing about it!” shouted Crystal back. He was at his wit’s end.

“What does that mean? I do plenty of things you don’t know about!” laughed Roger. How could he manage to keep up the good mood despite _all this_ was a mystery to him.

“Yeah? Like what?!” snorted Crystal.

He received an eyebrow wiggle and several winks back. He rolled his eyes but smiled, and Roger roared a laugh. 

“So you think I can’t get a lift?”

“Looking like a wet, angry, and very extravagant Chihuahua? You’re not as pretty as you were, darling” Crystal tried to imitate Fred, hand gestures and everything. The drummer laughed.

“Oh, I’ll show you pretty!”

* * *

Of course, it was impossible to get a lift if no one ever came. Which is exactly what happened. Apparently, no one in Brazil used this road often. Not a single car had passed them and they had been here for over an hour.

Crystal was getting antsy. No one knew where they were, not even themselves. The map had met a tragic end ruined under the rain and Crystal feared the guitar had undergone the same fate. But in all truth, Brian being pissed was the least of their problems. They were soaked and at least three hours away from Rio, with no means to get to the city.

He wasn’t panicking yet, but he was getting there.

And then, as if answering their calls, a bright yellow car appeared out of nowhere. Best of all, it was going in the right direction. Both Roger and he started waving their arms, and the car pulled over a few meters ahead.

Roger ran to it with Crystal not far behind. The drummer poked his head through the passenger’s window. The driver was a small woman with eyes bigger than Roger’s and the most beautiful chocolate skin Crystal had ever seen.

“O que vocês dois estão fazendo aqui na chuva? O que aconteceu com o carro?” She asked, and Roger looked back at him for a second before plastering his best paparazzi smile.

“Sorry, we don’t really speak Portuguese” said Roger with that quirked smile.

“Oh, Vocês são estrangeiros!”

“Our car” Roger pointed to the car “is dead” he crossed his neck, closed his eyes and slip out his tongue.

“Eu não entendo você” The girl laughed. "Aonde você vai?"

“Car dead!” exclaimed Roger “Completely broken!”

“Não, não, não. Onde você vai? Rio de Janeiro?” laughed the girl again. Ah! They got that last part!

“Rio de Janeiro! Yes! Rio de Janeiro!” Roger laughed. The girl leaned in and opened the passenger’s door for them to climb in. Roger turned happily to Crystal. “She’s going to Rio, c’mon!”

But Crystal held the drummer’s elbow to stop him from getting into the car. It’s not that he didn’t want this lift, it’s just that it was his _job_ to take care of Roger.

“I don’t think this is such a great idea” he whispered to the drummer, who just looked confused.

“What are you even talking about? Why not? She’s offering us the lift we obviously need!”

“Are you joking? What if she’s a murderer?” Crystal lowered his voice just in case. “Don’t forget who you are! Who is so willing to give a lift to two foreigners in the middle of nowhere? And being happy about it?” they both looked at the girl, whose smile had frozen somehow. She was looking a bit confused now.

“Crystal, please! Don’t be ridiculous!” the drummer laughed “That girl is the size of Clare!”

“I’ve seen Clare punching you into doing what she wants” deadpanned Crystal. The drummer spluttered at that.

“That is not true!” Roger looked offended. Now the Chihuahua resemblance was completed.

“Right, so the man Clare sucker punched two Christmases ago wasn’t you but your evil twin, is that what you’re saying?” Crystal was unimpressed by his boyfriend’s glare.

“You swore never to mention that! We have company!” Roger tilted his head pointedly at the girl in the car, who was now wearing a reluctant expression.

“Você está vindo ou não” she said in rapid-fire Portuguese. Roger shook Crystal’s hold. He had that set in his mouth that told Crystal without a shade of a doubt that he would be going whether his assistant approved of it or not.

“Rio de Janeiro, right?” he asked again, with the blasted paparazzi smile. She nodded and repeated. “Great! Crystal, let’s go!”

So that’s how Crystal found himself picking up the guitar case, and back at the yellow Volvo. If there was a God up there, Crystal hoped they liked Queen enough to let the drummer and a roadie live to tell the tale.

* * *

Maria drove fast, but not so fast Crystal feared for their lives. That was good. It was more than what he could say about Roger’s driving skills most of the time. Plus, she had good music taste and a melodious voice.

She and Roger bonded over singing to the radio. Unsurprisingly, many of the songs were the ones on the Rock in Rio setlist. And then, Queen started playing.

“Oh, oh! That’s us! That’s me! Queen!” shrieked Roger pointing at himself. Crystal laughed, and Maria did too.

“Queen!” she said laughing. Freddie’s voice was crackling over with radio static.

“I am the drummer! Roger Taylor!” Roger exclaimed, and Maria looked at him with her mouth hanging open.

The effect was ruined when she barked out an incredulous laugh.

“Você já bebeu demais!” she laughed in Portuguese. They didn’t know what that meant, but the tone was enough to let Roger know she didn’t believe him.

Sometime later, when they could see Rio in the distance, Crystal leaned over and told her their address. They had to repeat it several times, but in the end, she understood where they were going.

They said their goodbyes and climbed out of the car. Crystal hoped he had some merch to give her as payback. Or tickets. She had literally saved their lives out of the goodness of her heart.

Now that they were back home, the stress and exhaustion of the day were hitting Crystal like a train at full speed. Still, he had done this for over 8 years, he knew the drill so well by now he could do it in his sleep.

He got Roger to his room and made sure it had what he would need for a night in. The drummer was shivering, so he gave him a towel to wrap around himself. He checked the phone was connected in case Roger needed to make a call. He made sure the minibar was stocked. He asked for room service and set the shower going to warm the water up. He made sure the curtains were down and the AC was at a comfortable temperature.

Done. _Now_ he could go die in his room.

As he was opening the door, Roger spoke up.

“Don’t I get a goodnight kiss?” he said with a teasing tone and a smirk that didn’t reach his eyes. It was unusual, and it gave Crystal pause.

Roger rarely asked for affection. Not so openly. Roger hinted what he wanted, but never demanded it from Crystal. Right since the beginning, he had been adamant in claiming he didn’t want Crystal to feel like he had to do this, their relationship, just because doing what Roger wanted was his job. So usually, Roger would rather bite his tongue until it bled than ask Crystal for anything even remotely sexual.

But this had been a draining day for them both, even when Roger had obviously enjoyed it very much. _Hell_ , Crystal had enjoyed it too. He smirked and gave Roger a very obvious once over.

“What, are we saying our goodnights already?” he purred and winked. “Why don’t you stop by after I have a shower? We’ll see if you deserve a kiss then”

Roger’s dark blush was so sudden it made Crystal grin in triumph.

* * *

The next day, John snorted as soon as he saw them at the table.

“You look like you had a lot of fun” he snorted looking at a very sunburnt Roger.

Crystal, awful headache and the beginning of an awful cold setting in, scowled and glanced sideways at Roger. “It was interesting” he replied at that.

Behind his sunglasses, Rog just quirked the corner of his mouth. Crystal got up to get them both another cup of coffee and, as he had expected would happen, was quietly ambushed by Phoebe.

“Got a very angry car rental on the phone this morning” mused Phoebe stirring his sugar. Crystal didn’t answer. “What did you two do to the _car?_ ”

**Author's Note:**

> TayTay is quickly becoming one of my favorite things. Of course, it will never outdo my undying love for poly!Queen, but there’s so much to love about Crystal and Rog. 
> 
> For those of you waiting on Children of the land, Jim Hutton is proving to be a real challenge. Never fear, my lovelies! The last chapter is on its way with extra poly!love and a side of fluff. 
> 
> In the meantime, I hope you enjoyed this little thing as much as I enjoyed writing it. 
> 
> I don’t speak any Portuguese, so if any of you does and spot mistakes in Maria’s dialogues, pls let me know :)
> 
> O que vocês dois estão fazendo aqui na chuva? O que aconteceu com o carro? = What are you two doing out here in the rain? What happened to the car?
> 
> Oh, Vocês são estrangeiros! = Oh, you’re foreigners
> 
> Eu não entendo você, Aonde você vai? = I don’t understand you, where aye you going?
> 
> Não, não, não. Onde você vai? Rio de Janeiro? = No, no, no. Where are you going? Rio de Janeiro?
> 
> Você está vindo ou não = Are you coming or not
> 
> Você já bebeu demais! = You’ve had too much to drink


End file.
